In May of 2024 I had decided that I wanted to run the Long Beach Marathon. I didn’t really have much else going on in my life and job hunting had become so agonizing I needed an outlet for my frustration. In starting my first full marathon training cycle I thought it would be best to go to the doctors for a check up. I had heard horror stories of people attempting to run a full marathon and passing out or worse and I basically wanted to be overly prepared so I could minimize my chances of failing.

After countless blood tests, countless doctor visits, and an MRI it was confirmed that I had a pituitary gland tumor. Not exactly the bill of health I was expecting, but I almost felt a calmness taking over my body and my mind speaking kinder to myself..

“Okay, you feel fine on the outside and have been making tremendous strides with marathon training. Most days you actually feel really good after your long runs. This is a minor setback.”

“Maybe this is a side effect of being over weight and you are working towards fixing this already. So maybe it will shrink and fix it self.”

“Worst case scenario, maybe you have to get surgery and you have been there, done that. It wasn’t as scary as you thought it was and crying didn’t help or solve anything. It only made your mom angry because there was nothing she could do to take your pain or fear away.”

Luckily, I was soon told that most of the time this issue could be taken care of by taking medication. Twice a week with some really crappy side effects. So I planned to take them on Thursday and Sunday Night. I had to take them days apart and since Fridays & Mondays were lift-rest days it was okay if I didn’t feel good because I wouldn’t have to run and I was 10 weeks into my training cycle with every intention of crossing that finish line week 17.

To know the medication was working, I would had needed to start my period. Prior to this, I hadn’t had my period for almost a year. Which should have been a red flag, but I enjoyed life without a period because honestly it meant my head was on straight and I didn’t have as many mood swings or emotional setbacks. From my point of view I had thought I had elevated emotional intelligence and could regulate my emotions better, but from my moms point of view I wasn’t hormonally balanced so what I thought was me regulating my emotions better could have easily just been my body chemistry being out of wack.

Every time I took the medication, I would get massive headaches, major fatigue, and an enormous amount of brain fog. I would of course try to power through those days and remind myself that my body was just working hard at making itself okay. And I eventually got my period and with that came its own flood of emotions.

After the first round of meds was done I almost felt like, okay well that is it. I’m back to normal and can go back to living my life as it was before so even though I had gotten a refill on the meds, I chose not to take them. (Obviously not doctor recommended.) It has been I think 3.5 months now since I stopped and I can confirm that I don’t have regular periods. I often read about the different phases of menstrual cycles and honestly can never tell if I am in one of them or in all of them at the same time. But I sometimes wake up with the largest amount of brain fog, even if I had more than enough sleep, am eating well, and working out regularly.

This morning was one of those times. And it made me come to the realization that maybe this medication will be apart of my life indefinitely and with that came its own flood of emotions.